How to quit your job.
There must be 50 ways to leave your employer. Everyone is different and how you choose to quit your job will say as much about you as the way you dress, the beer you drink, and the size of your car. Below we have listed (in no particular order) a few of the more common options.
The no show
It's Monday morning and your alarm is buzzing, ringing, or playing music. Your normal routine might have you slapping the snooze button a few times and tricking yourself out of bed with the promise of coffee. However this morning is Quit Your Job Day. This morning instead of hitting the snooze button, you unplug the clock. And turn off your phone. And depending on how invasive your manager is, your door bell. This is by far the easiest way to quit your job, as it requires the absolute minimum of effort on your part. Sleep well into the afternoon knowing that you've terminated a job well done.
The proper termination
On company letterhead, briefly explain your intention to leave your position in two weeks time. Submit this to your boss with a hearty handshake and express your gratitude for the opportunity to make a difference doing whatever it was you did. If you're lucky you'll be immediately asked to gather your things and shown the door by two large men wearing blue shirts and baseball caps with matching security patches. Don't worry, they aren't cops. If you are unlucky you'll have to leave without your things and they will be shipped to you in a box a week later. This is currently the proper way people leave their employers. Sad really. It could be worse; They could make you work those last two weeks.
In Cube Vacation
This method requires a little bit of timing and a near intimate knowledge of your employer. It should not be attempted by amateurs. Starting one to five weeks before Quit Your Job Day, simply stop doing any meaningful work. Spend your time decorating your cube with pictures of vacation spots, turn your Spotify to Hawaiian music, and sneak in a sun lamp. Sand on the floor would be a nice touch. When asked about the current state of any give project state that it's "being worked on" or "should be finished late next week." Either your boss will notice your strange behavior and you'll end up having to explain yourself or, if you are very lucky, the bureaucracy in your office is so deep that your shenanigans will go unnoticed. If confronted immediately apologize and say that you had hoped that your problems had not affected your work performance. Ask for the rest of the day off as a mental health day, and explain that you have another appointment with your doctor tomorrow. Never go back to work.
Reverse Firing
In the corporate world you often get reviewed for your performance. The meetings are uncomfortable affairs where your manager goes down a checklist of things that 'could use improvement'. On Quit Your Job Day, you'll be calling a review meeting of your own. Create a list of things the company needs improvement in. Watch your manager squirm as you point out bad health benefits, impenetrable paperwork, and inhuman working environments. At the end of your review look your manager straight in the eye and ask 'What would you do if you were me?', pause and then announce
“I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.”
Unionize
One to two weeks before Quit Your Job Day covertly post flyers calling for unionization of your office. Demands should be extravagant, on the off chance that management actually gives you the raises, two hour paid lunches, and happy hour Fridays. More than likely your efforts to unionize will fail. At that point you should start posting Quit Your Job Day flyers, leaving your job with the satisfaction that you did your best to change things from the inside.
Dramatic Speech
Should you possess the oratory skills of James K. Polk, you may find that announcing your intentions to leave in support of Quit Your Job Day could find sympathetic ears in your own office. While such improvised speeches may cause alarm in management, they are often too befuddled to interfere until the intentions of the speaker have already had their desired effect. We've found, through careful research, that ending your diatribe with the phrase "So who's with me...!" will often elicit the best response. Bonus points if you mention "the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor."
Lunch Escape
For the timid, the lunch escape may provide the ideal solution. Plan a large lunch with your closest allies and friends from work. The location should be some place casual that serves alcohol. Mexican restaurants are ideal. During lunch casually mention that it's Quit Your Job Day, and remember that you have some brochures you downloaded from the web site. Joke about not going back to work after lunch while simultaneously buying the next round. If someone suggests heading back, accuse them of trying to avoid buying their round of drinks. Pretty soon you'll all be looking for new jobs.